Divorce

This week, I’d like to discuss the topic of Divorce. My goal this week is to help you understand how prevalent divorce is, how to avoid it, and how to repair a family that has gone through it. First, let’s start with some statistics.

How common is divorce? You’ve probably heard that 50% of marriages in the United States end in divorce. However, this is not and has never been true. In fact, the actual statistic is as follows, 72% of people who get married, stay married and about 26% of people actually get divorced (the remaining 2% aren’t relevant to this conversation). Although, if you’re remarried and had children in the second marriage, then the statistic spikes to 62% of those marriages ending in divorce. This begs the question, “where did the 50% divorce rate come from?” It came from a statistician who looked at the trend after No-Fault Divorce laws who said, “if the trend continues, we are going to hit a 50% divorce rate.”

Why is it important to understand how prevalent divorce is? Let me ask you this. If you believed that there was a 50% chance that you would die if you ate a hamburger, would you ever eat a hamburger, let alone two? Probably not. Similarly, if you believe that your marriage only has a 50% chance of making it through until death, would you ever want to get married? Divorce causes immense emotional and psychological pain to yourself, your spouse, and your children. No one wants that! Personally, I’ve always thought that this statistic was ridiculous so I’m glad that the 50% divorce rate is utterly fictional.

Even though 72% of marriages survive a lifetime, there are still 26% that fail and let’s look at why. If you talk to a divorce lawyer, they’ll tell you that most divorces are caused by money, but if you talk to a marriage and family therapist, they’ll tell you a different story. Why? Well, divorce lawyers are in the business of quantifying absolutely every aspect of a marriage down to a penny so that they can get the most for their client. Obviously their going to think more in terms of money. In fact, lots of problems in marriage stem from selfishness on the part of one or both spouses.

Recently I read a sermon by one of my church leaders in which he described the difference between a covenant and a contract marriage. In a contract marriage, the spouses are only interested in getting the most out of the marriage for themselves. They expect a 50/50 effort from both parties and get upset and angry when their needs aren’t satisfied. When things start to go south, they leave. In a covenant marriage, the spouses are only interested in giving the most to each other. They expect to put in 100% effort on their part in loving, supporting, and uplifting their spouse. They aren’t in the marriage for a personal benefit, they only seek to make life better and easier for their spouse. When things go south in a covenant marriage, they hunker down and say, “this too will pass,” and give of themselves. They stick it out. Do you see how building a covenant marriage can heal almost every trial and pain that a marriage can experience?

I don’t want to turn this blog post into a book for you to read. I found some things you can use to predict the success or failure of a marriage. I plan on posting about that more in-depth next week. Leave a comment if you want to see anything specific addressed.

Sadly, divorce happens. What can you do to help everyone, especially the kids, fair better after a brutal divorce? Well, it’s going to take a lot of work.

In order to create a “great divorce,” you need to provide everyone an environment in which they still receive all of the benefits and blessings of a united, whole family (honestly, if you’re willing to put in this level of effort, then you might as well just save your marriage). You will have to work incredibly closely with your ex-spouse to ensure that your children are being taught the same things at both homes, that they don’t have to live two separate lives with two sets of friends, beliefs, schools, and extracurricular activities. You are going to have to ensure that your children see you and your ex-spouse treating each other with respect and love, and you are going to need to ensure that your children do not have trepidations about marriage when they get older. Honestly, you might as well just stay married. Besides, two years after the divorce, 70% of divorcees say, in effect, “we could, and should have saved the marriage.” Additionally, a study found that 70% of people who rated their marriage as very dissatisfying, five years later rated that same marriage as very satisfying or satisfying.

When you got/get married, you promised/promise that you will have and hold your spouse, “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish.” My best advice? Stick it out. With time, things will improve. If you are being abused, call the police and leave, but otherwise, be open with your spouse. Put your spouse’s needs before your own. Talk with them about what is bothering you and why it’s bothering you. Talk with your spouse about ways that you can improve your marriage and continue putting each other first.

To be completely honest, creating a great marriage is hard and un-natural. But marriage is something super-natural and completely worthy to strive for. I can promise you that it is worth every ounce of effort.