How to win every fight (even with your wife)

What’s the most common advice people have for newlyweds? Learn to communicate! My wife and I heard it a lot just before our wedding and have heard it several times since. One of the biggest areas of conflict in marriages is the inability to communicate effectively. Many conflicts stem from a failure to understand and a failure to be understood. This failure in understanding can be the result of a break down in one of the three aspects of communication: words, tone, and non-verbal (body language, hints, etc). Words consist of the language we speak, the jargon we use, and the dialects we are familiar with. Really great communication consists of three important parts: empathy, assertiveness, and respect. I’m going to come back to this.

When two people get married, they must reconcile their different uses of words in order to understand and be understood by one another. My wife and I had a funny experience with this the other day. She’s from Georgia and I’m from Idaho and she mentioned, “Everyone out here seems to want to be skinny,” and she made it seem like that’s a bad thing. After a couple of minutes of confusion on my part, I finally clarified what she meant. You see, to me, ‘skinny’ has always meant a healthy weight for your age and height, just a bit on the slimmer side than normal. To her, ‘skinny’ means unhealthily thin and frail. Someone who starves themselves and doesn’t eat enough. Neither one of these definitions is more valid than the other, the important part is understanding what we each mean.

However, not all misunderstandings between couples are as benign as this one. Often misunderstandings lead to fights and can ruin marriages and relationships. I want to give you a 5-step program to follow when having an argument. But first, here’s an example of an argument that you can apply this to:

My wife and I work at the same store and I’d gotten a bit fed up with being assigned the same task despite having shown that I’m good at other things in the store. I’d been complaining to her a lot and she got fed up with my complaining. She told me that my complaining was getting her down and that she felt guilty that she gets to do a variety of different tasks in the store and I get stuck doing the same one. I didn’t really take that well and I don’t particularly recall what I said to her in response.

Step number one is: use the disarming technique. No this isn’t about chopping peoples’ arms off or getting them to lower their defenses before you lower yours. This is about dropping your defenses and finding the kernel of truth in what people say. You must then articulate and personalize it. This takes a lot of practice. Let’s look at my personal example. Can you see the Kernel of Truth? There’s a few. Here’s a list

1.     My complaining was getting her down

2.     My complaining was causing her to feel guilty that she is doing better at the store than me

3.     I was being selfish and thinking of myself and not others

Second, express empathy. This is all about connecting with the other person and showing them that you understand them and that you care about them. This is about feelings and emotions, so be careful not to mix this up with thoughts and perceptions. In our society, there’s a massive misunderstanding about what an emotion is. An example of what an emotion is not, “I feel like you’re neglecting me,” an example of what an emotion is, “I feel sad, hurt, and alone because you appear to be more concerned about [insert whatever you want here] and that makes me think that you are neglecting me.” Do you see the difference there? The first attacks the other person while the second shows the results of what the other person is doing. Looking at the example I gave, I could’ve said, “I’m sorry, I was being selfish and thinking of myself and not you or my other coworkers. I know that must make you feel hurt, sad, and guilty that you’re doing so well in the store.”

Third, Inquire about the other’s thoughts and emotions. Clarify and make sure that you understand them properly. I think this is somewhat self-explanatory. Ask them a question to make sure that you understand them properly. From my example, I could’ve said, “Am I understanding you correctly? Is my complaining hurting you and making you feel sad and guilty about your progress in the store?” However, there is a key component to this step, invite them to share more even if you are understanding them properly. “Am I understanding you properly? Would you like to share more?”

Fourth, be assertive and clear about yourself and your position. Here’s an easy formula:

When [the situation] I feel/felt [emotion words, not judgment], because [reason, but mostly has to do with thoughts that contributed to your circumstances, "I feel like this because I was thinking this"], I would like [share your hope. If you don't know what you want, then express that! Don't skip this step just because you don't know what you want, simply express that you don't know what you want].

So here’s an example:

Honey, when I saw that I was in the same spot that I’ve been in a lot, I felt frustrated, angry, and confused because I didn’t know why I kept being put in the same spot despite showing that I can do other aspects of the job well, in the future I would appreciate it if you’d let me vent and help me feel appreciated for what I do well.

Fifth and final, express genuine /authentic admiration, appreciation, and praise for the other person. So, using that same example from earlier, I could’ve said, “Honey, I love how patient you are with me. You’re so concerned with my well-being and I really appreciate that.”  

If you follow these 5-steps, I can guarantee that you will win every single argument you have with your spouse or anyone else because no one involved will leave the argument feeling belittled or angry. In a visit to his disciples on the American continent Jesus Christ said, “For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another. Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away,” (3 Nephi 11:29-30 the same teaching can be found in 2 Timothy 2:23-24). I believe that if we can all learn how to do this effectively, we’ll save families and repair damaged relationships.