What Doesn't Kill You Makes You (and your family) Stronger

                Who remembers the movie, Evan Almighty? Quick recap. Evan Almighty is a movie where a new congressman (Evan) is told by God (Morgan Freeman) to build an ark because there’s a flood coming. Everyone thinks he’s crazy, his wife ends up leaving with the kids, and he is in danger of losing his job as a congressman. Well, as his wife is in the process of leaving him, she stops with the kids at a diner. In the diner she talks with her waiter about her problems (the waiter happens to be God) and expresses to him this concern (and I’m paraphrasing), “You know, I’ve been praying for God to help us become closer as a family, and then all this happened and I’m just not seeing how God is trying to help. He’s making things worse,” to which God replies (again, also paraphrasing), “You know, often when we ask God for something, He gives us an opportunity for that something to develop. You asked God for your family to grow closer, maybe this is his way of giving you an opportunity to grow closer as a family.”

                Long story short, she goes back to Evan, they help him build the ark, then stuff happens (spoilers, go watch the movie).

So what lesson was I trying to convey here? Bad situations, stress, even tragedies are an opportunity for us to grow stronger, closer, and wiser as individuals and as families. When tragedy strikes, we should turn to our families to weather the storm. The event does not automatically determine the outcome for those affected. We can either chose the natural approach, which is to turn inwards and focus on ourselves and how we are going to get out of it (spoilers: this may work for you, but it will harm your family and make everyone else miserable), or we can do something super-natural and divine and turn outwards towards those who are also hurting. We can talk with our families and determine what is going on.

Let’s look at an example: A hard-working parent named Bob gets laid-off from work due to a tanking economy.

What are some natural thoughts about this situation that could occur from Bob?

-          I’m not going to be able to provide for my family

o   We’re going to starve

o   How can I pay rent?

o   What about the car payment?

o   How about our credit-card debt?

o   What about utility bills?

-          My family is angry at me that I lost my job. They don’t think that I was working hard enough.

-          I wasn’t working hard enough.

What about thoughts from the spouse or kids?

-          Bob wasn’t working hard enough.

-          That evil company! How could they do this to us?!

-          Etc.

As you can probably tell, none of these thoughts are useful in this situation. By thinking these, Bob could get, A: depressed. B: become a work-a-holic. C: not look for a new job. None of which would be a useful result because this would further harm the family and each individual in it.

What if we did something different rather than blaming or beating ourselves up? The family, instead of being negative, could rally around Bob and thank him for all that he does to help. They could compliment and encourage Bob and talk about all the wonderful accomplishments that he’s achieved in that line of work. The kids could decide to enjoy the extra time that they have with their dad and show him that he’s loved and supported by his family. Bob could turn to his wife and express his concerns and ask for her help. With the support from his family, Bob could quickly re-bound from this stressor and realize that he has tons of resources and connections to help him find a new source of income.

How about a more serious example? A child dies due to sickness. Depending on the sickness and how it was handled, there could be a myriad of blame and negative thoughts that occur in this family none of which would be productive. Every situation like this is different, but they all boil down to a common first step: define the situation as a family. How do you do this? Talk about it openly, express your thoughts and feelings. Clarify any misconceptions about the circumstances and ensure that each individual knows that they are loved and that they have this support coming from their parents, siblings, even children.

When you have defined the situation, you know what resources you have access to in order to help everyone weather the storm and come out stronger, wiser, and more united. The best way to help? Combat your natural instincts and do something supernatural, even divine.