When do I give my kids, "The Talk?"

Marital intimacy is a wonderful and beautiful act between a married man and woman. It allows for the husband and wife to become closer and more united in a very real way. It is a symbol between them of a greater connection and unity that exists in their lives. There is a very real opportunity here to come to know your spouse and learn about them.

Additionally, the quality of your marital intimacy is one of the biggest indicators of how successful your marriage will be. This is because for both spouses to be satisfied, they must be interested, attentive, and focused on the other person. Intimacy in marriage is not about self-gratification. It can be a selfless act with great potential to satisfy and benefit both spouses, or a selfish act with great potential to harm and destroy both spouses.

Knowing all of this, what message do you want your kids to receive about marital intimacy? Do you want them to be taught that it is elegant and beautiful, or casual/dirty? Do you want them to get the message about marital intimacy from you and your spouse, pornography, their peers, or their teachers at school?

If they’re older than six, they probably got introduced to sex from their peers or even pornography already. Increasingly, marketers are using our sexuality to sell products to us, and this can lead to dark corners of the internet very quickly. Pornography is very easy to access and is highly destructive to human sexuality. It creates inappropriate, warped, and incorrect expectations of what intimacy is and how it can benefit a married man and woman. In California, if a teacher is talking about history or law or science, they must mention LGBTQ issues (for example, “Farmer Bob, who is bisexual, did …”). This is going to generate questions in your children. Do you want them to Google it or ask you? Or would you prefer their teachers to teach them about sex? Well, hold that thought. Most sex-education courses in America and Europe were developed by a man named Alfred Kinsey. Don’t know who he was? He was a known pedophile who skewed his research heavily. If you want to know more, read this article. A Warning though, it might enrage you.

So now comes the question, when do I talk to my kids about marital intimacy? Early on. Here’s a manual from my church with some fantastic suggestions for how to teach kids of all ages. Over the years, many people have tried to come up with shortcuts for teaching about sexuality. However, being vague and imprecise about intimacy leads to issues with understanding it on the part of the children. A big focus on the plumbing of intimacy also sways the focus from what it should be on. The purpose of intimacy. Early on, children don’t need to know how it works. They need to know, “these are your parts, no one is allowed to touch them except for these very specific circumstances.”

Here is a list that my classmates and I compiled of lousy ways to teach about intimacy:

1.     Not talking about it!

a.      Using euphemisms that don’t accurately describe what sex is

2.     Providing too much detail.

a.      “Oh my gosh it’s so fantastic, you’re gonna love it!”

b.     “Insert A into B”

3.     Talking about plumbing, but forgetting to teach about where urges and feelings come from and where they can lead.

a.      Teaching like this will often have the opposite of the desired effect.

b.     In some cases, when children get this message their whole life, they can be unsure of what to do when they get married.

5.     “If you’ve been passed around, then nobody will want you”

a.      “I know you girls are good girls, but I have to give this lesson about the Law of Chastity”

b.     You’re soiled, less good, not a righteous man/woman

c.      “Once’s that’s taken, you’re never pure and desirable”

Can you see how all these methods are lousy and destructive? These methods stigmatize marital intimacy. Elder Holland gave a fantastic sermon on intimacy. If you want a good example of how to teach about it, I don’t think I could do better than him. Here’s a link. 

In conclusion, I just want to remind you of these principles: 

1.     Marital Intimacy is wonderful and beautiful. When used properly, it empowers and lifts.

2.     Verbiage is important. Never allow your children to be lied to by those who would take advantage of them.

3.     The scriptures teach to Bridle all your passions, not kill them (Alma 38:12).