Accessible, Responsible, and Involved: A Father's Role

I have an amazing dad and I’m lucky because of that. Through his example, my father taught me what being a man is all about. He taught me that a man presides over his family, he doesn’t dictate it. He taught me that a man works with his wife and doesn’t treat her as an employee. He taught me that a man provides for his family financially, emotionally, and spiritually to the best of his ability. He taught me that a man protects his family from evil influences in the world that come from a myriad of places. He taught me that a man loves his family and values their well-being before his own. He taught me that being a husband and a father is about serving one’s spouse and children in every way possible. He taught me that every second of every day, whether he’s physically present or not, is a teaching moment for him. He knew that his children would learn most from his example and he did his best to live up to the expectation.

How did he do all of this? He became a selfless and diligent person. Even when he was working for 80+ hours a week, he always tried to find time to be with us and enjoy recreation with us. He lived the life he wanted to teach us to live. How did he learn all of this? Through trial an error, through a study of the scriptures, through his father and other father figures in his life. I love my dad and I’m a lucky son.

Why did I start this off with a tribute to my father? Well, he deserves it. Also, today I want to talk to you about the roles of fathers in our society and provide some insight to how we can become better fathers and husbands and inspire those around us to become better fathers and husbands.

I found a study entitled “Fathers’ involvement and the impact on family mental health: evidence from Millennium Cohort Study analyses,” done by Katherine Twamley, Ginny Brunton, Katy Sutcliffe, Kate Hinds, and James Thomas. It’s a meta-analysis of 10 studies on fathers’ accessibility to the family, responsibility in the family, and engagement with the children and how these factors influenced the children’s’ mental health, cognitive development. And educational development as well as the spouse’s mental health, psychological distress, depression, self-esteem, and life satisfaction.

In their meta-analysis, they found that the more the father is involved with his family, the better off the family is. They found that “the kind of relationship the parents have with one another (cohabiting or not) and whether they have a history of separation is associated with the mental well-being of the mother and child,” (Twamley, 2013, ¶ 9). Essentially, the more loving parents are to each other and the more they are together, the more mentally healthy the mother and child are. Additionally, when the father was present more during the first few years of the life of the child, the child benefited in cognitive performance and behavioral appropriateness (Twamley, 2013, ¶ 9). They found that the more responsible a father is towards his family, the better his and the child’s mental health is, not much conclusive evidence was found for the mother’s mental health (Twamley, 2013, ¶ 10). Finally, when a father was more involved in childcare, the child’s mental health was positively affected, and the mother’s mental health had conflicting effects based on circumstances. Single-mothers were better off when the father interacted with the child positively whereas maternal depression possibly increased the more the father took over childcare and cooking (Twamley, 2013, ¶ 11). Simplifying all of this, the more that dad was around, the better off everyone was, the more that dad was responsible, the better off everyone was, the more that dad was involved with the kids (and worked with mom), the better off everyone was.

Dads need to be around more. My dad has had several jobs in his lifetime and a lot of them took him away for periodically long lengths of time. He started off in the Army and now works in the IT department of a company. No matter the situation, he always found a way to be accessible, responsible, and involved in our life. When my dad was in the Army, a lot of the technology that we have today didn’t exist (we couldn’t video-chat or even call him on the phone a lot), so he recorded himself reading bedtime stories for my brother and I (who were a new-born and 2 respectively). There are always ways to be accessible as a dad, you’ve just got to find it.

Dad’s need to be more responsible for their families. There is an inherent difference in the genders (if you want some more information on this, I’ve written a post about it and you can read it here), and fathers have a personal, societal, and inherent expectation to ensure that their families are taken care of. Fathers are more than just breadwinners and are responsible for presiding, providing, and protecting their families (The Family: A Proclamation to the World see paragraph 7). When fathers shirk this responsibility, they know (at least subconsciously) that they are doing wrong. When a father puts his shoulder to the wheel and ensures that his family is well taken care of, he is blessed. My father has always done this, and it’s been a great source of security to myself and my family. He always seems to have just enough energy and capacity to do his job, take care of the kids, and be a fantastic husband to mom. It’s been truly remarkable to behold.

Dad’s need to be involved with their children. President Barak Obama in his Father’s Day speech said, “We know the statistics – that children who grow up without a father are five times more likely to live in poverty and commit crime; nine times more likely to drop out of schools and 20 times more likely to end up in prison. They are more likely to have behavioral problems, or run away from home, or become teenage parents themselves. And the foundations of our community are weaker because of it,” (Politico. “Text of Obama’s Fatherhood Speech.” POLITICO, 15 June 2008, www.politico.com/story/2008/06/text-of-obamas-fatherhood-speech-011094). Here, I believe President Obama was referring more to the physical presence of fathers in the home, but I argue that fathers can be present in a home and still be missing from the lives of their children. Fatherhood is more than discipline and breadwinning, fatherhood is teaching your children, caring for your wife, and being a sterling example to your offspring of what it means to be an adult.

I want to be an amazing dad as I’m sure every father (or future father) wants to be. I think the best methods are going to differ from family to family, but here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to ensure that my family has my undivided attention at least one night a week (it’s called family home evening). I will purposefully ensure that I’m not working so much that I cannot spend time with my wife and children. Every night I’m going to counsel with my wife about what has been going on during the day. We will ensure that we are always living within our means and avoiding unnecessary debt and hardship. I will ensure that I do not take work home with me and that I spend time every night enjoying recreative activities with my wife and children (I use ‘recreation’ and not ‘play’ because recreation can include work).

I’d like to invite you to counsel with your spouse about how you can have a more accessible, responsible, and involved father in your family. Please leave any ideas you have in the comments below.

Reference to the article I mentioned above

Twamley, K., Brunton, G., Sutcliffe, K., Hinds, K., & Thomas, J. (2013). Fathers’ involvement and the impact on family mental health: evidence from Millennium Cohort Study analyses. Community, Work & Family, 16(2), 212–224. https://doi-org.byui.idm.oclc.org/10.1080/13668803.2012.755022