The top 10 things to talk about before your wedding day
So, I asked my wife to help me with writing this post today, I figured she'd have some good insights about what to think about when discussing getting married! So here is our list of the top 10 things that we should've talked about early in our courtship/engagement.
1. What standard of living will you uphold? (I.e. how are you going to spend your money?)
This is one that my wife and I really had to look at. We moved from Virginia to Idaho a little over three months after getting married in order to start going to school. We both worked fast food and had to squirrel away money for the road trip and the first two months rent after moving. Everyone’s situation will be different but being on the same page about your budget and what kinds of goods you will purchase helps a lot with early stress in a marriage. My wife would like you to know, "You're not going to have to change completely for the other person, but you will have to change." - Mason Hunt
2. How are we going to continue dating?
"It's important to make time for each other, otherwise you'll lose each other." - Mason Hunt
This is the best way to ensure that your relationship stays together. My wife and I decided that we would always have a date night at least once a week and it’s great! We look forward to that night at the end of each work week. We alternate who’s in charge of planning the dates each week and mutually decide on a budget for each date.
3. How are we going to prepare for children (and when are we going to have kids)?
Children are going to be the biggest stress on your marriage. Being on the same page prior to tying the knot about when you’ll have kids save on worry and pressure after your big day. Check out my previous post on the science of overpopulation and, "Be open to what the prophets say about kids." - Mason Hunt
4. Plan your life up to 5 years in advance (finances, moving, school, overall goals)
"If you don't have a plan for where you're going, you and your spouse won't know what to do." - Mason Hunt
This does wonders to reduce stress and help foster unity in your marriage. About two days ago my wife and I decided on our monthly budget and I extended it out five years to see what our life will be like (side note: Microsoft Excel is amazing for budgets). After doing that, we’re able to see the impact our current jobs have on our future and how the business we’re starting could potentially impact our savings. If we had done this before getting married, we would’ve avoided a lot of stress about marriage and we would’ve been wiser about our spending prior to moving.
5. How big of a role are our friends and family going to play?
"If you don't know how your spouse is going to react to how much time you spend with others, your spouse may feel unwanted and unneeded." - Mason Hunt
In addition to my wife’s advice, I would just add that you should discuss appropriate times and places to spend time with friends and family. Set boundaries appropriate for your situation in this regard.
6. How are we going to deal with disagreements?
"Repressed anger is unhealthy for a relationship." - Mason Hunt
My dad told us that for the first year we’d be oblivious to the flaws in one another. For us, that wasn’t the case. We had several discussions prior to getting married about how we would deal with arguments or disagreements with one another. We bring it up immediately because letting it fester makes it worse.
7. Expectations of marital intimacy (more on this next week).
This is the topic for next week so I’m only going to briefly cover it right now. The best advice I can provide is this: talk about it before your wedding night. It’s going to be awkward, but it’ll be worth it to know your spouse’s expectations in this topic. "It's going to be awkward if you don't talk about it beforehand. And you don't want your spouse to feel uncomfortable." - Mason Hunt
8. How is work going to influence our relationship?
I work a lot. I’m a full-time student with a part-time job. Luckily, my wife and I work at the same restaurant so at work we still get to interact with every-so-often. However, talk with your spouse about what expectations you have for work and when over-time is acceptable. Above all, "Make sure that work doesn't interfere with your dates." - Mason Hunt
9. Religion's role in our lives and relationship
Religion plays a big role in our lives and we both set expectations during our engagement about our activity in church on Sundays and during the week. We talked about our values and how those are going to play out in our lives. "It's something that you base your life off of, so why wouldn't you talk about it with your spouse?" - Mason Hunt
10. Hobbies
My wife and I lucked out. We’re both geeks who enjoy a lot of the same things, but there are areas in which we differ. "Know which hobbies you like to do together and do them together. Know which hobbies you like to do by yourself and talk about how you can have that alone time without ignoring the other." - Mason Hunt. This came up early in our marriage. If we’d talked about it earlier, we would’ve avoided about three months of mild frustration with one another.
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